1. Is there a title? What is it? Does the title fit the essay? Why or Why not? Suggestions? Yes, there is a title, A System That Fails. Yes it does fit the essay because it correlates to the essay.
2. Does the introduction grab the reader’s attention? Why or Why not? Suggestions? Yes because she tells me that a 17 year old was taken into custody by the police, and it makes me want to know why.
3. What is the author’s thesis (the main idea of the whole paper)? Underline it if the paper is printed out (write it down if you’re reading from a blog). Does the paper support the thesis? Explain where it strays. The author’s thesis is that there a to many young people in being affected by a corrupt system. This supports the paper because she goes into detail as to why she feels that way.
4. Is the draft effectively organized? Each paragraph should focus on explaining ONE and only one topic sentence. Could it be organized differently? Draw lines on the draft to move around sentences/paragraphs if need be. The essay flows with consistent information and gives the needed information to understand her argument.
5. Are all of the sources from the references being integrated into the paper? Yes.
6. Are the paragraphs unified? Are there clear topic sentences? Does every sentence in the paragraph support the topic sentence? Yes.
7. Are there clear, effective transitions? Mark paragraphs that don’t make sense or suggest transition words. Yes.
8. If there is a conclusion: Is the conclusion effective? Does it adequately conclude the essay? Make sure it’s not introducing new information. Suggestions? No conclusion.
9. Where would the paper benefit from additional support and examples? Write on the draft where additional information is needed. What do you need to know? .This paper just needs a conclusion and then its perfect.
10. What are the strengths of the paper? What about the paper works well? Be specific. This paper has a strong argument with credible sources, and consistent information
11. Make two specific suggestions for the next draft. Add a conclusion and finish thesis.
Reality vs. Virtual Reality
Before video games existed, sports such as football, baseball, basketball, and other physical activities were the only forms of entertainment that children could be active in. It would not be unheard of for children to spend most of their time participating in sports for their extracurricular activity after school. For those who wanted to take it a step further and decided to pursue these physical activities to a higher level, their goal would be to achieve the status of professional athlete. However, the pursuit of a career as a professional athlete back then was often viewed as risky and a waste of time. From the birth of the sports industry, no one ever imagined that it would gain so much popularity in a span of a few decades. One question that I’ve been contemplating is whether an activity has to be physically intensive to be considered a sport. The answer to this question is a simple no, sports do not have to be physically intensive, but it has to be competitive. Because of this, eSports, sharing the same history of being viewed negatively as the sports industry should be considered a sport. With the gaming industry growing at an exponential rate, there is no doubt that legitimizing eSports will benefit both the sports industry and American economy as a whole. By doing so, new professions and opportunities will be created, no one will look down at gamers just like how they once did for the athletes. Our society will be moving to a new era, an era of virtual reality.
So what is eSports? eSports is not something that can be defined with one singular meaning or one representative game. In fact, it includes all existing competitive games and have many meanings during different time periods. For example, one of the earliest descriptions of eSports came from Michael G. Wagner, and was stated that, “eSports is an area of sport activities in which people develop and train mental or physical abilities in the use of information and communication technologies” (Skubida). Basically saying eSports is an electronic sport, a platform where players can compete with the usage of both of their mental and physical abilities such as strategizing for the winning condition, and the muscle memory of their body due to intensive training. Later on, similar definitions such as the one given by the Korean eSport association, define eSports as a, “recreational activity involving competition using mental and physical abilities in a virtual online environment similar to the reality” (Skubida) which describe eSports as simulation of real-world activities completed through network and communication between players in the form of video games. It is not hard to realize that both definitions are associated with the word “competition.” And this word is the core of the reason why eSports is not different from all the other sports because they all have one goal, which is to win.
So how is eSport affecting our economy? Over the past decades, the gaming industry has been growing so much that when you type in “lol” in google, the first thing that shows up is not the colloquial definition, “laugh out loud”, but one of the most popular games in the gaming industry, “League of Legends”. On top of this, based on the valuation of Goldman Sach in the article “The eSports competitive video gaming market continues to grow revenues & attract investors”, “eSports at $500 million in 2016 and expects the market will grow at 22% annually compounded over the next three years into a more than $1 billion opportunity” (Elder). Believing that the game industry will be expanding even larger in the future, benefiting our economy as a whole and creating more job opportunities for the common people. In addition, as a professional player, they can earn millions of dollars just from winning a single competition. According to “Business Insider”, the highest reward so far is “the prize pool for the latest Dota 2 tournament was more than $20 million” (Elder). What are the chances of someone getting $20 million on a daily basis besides winning a lottery? As of today, there are more than 300 millions of people starting to recognize eSport as a serious topic. With the gaming industry ascending each day, this number will also only be increasing with the stream. All of this information leads to one conclusion, competitive video games are no longer just a simple hobby. It can be taken to the next level and lead our economy into a new age.
If there is no difference between eSports and sports, then why do people still refuse to accept the idea? The main reason why people reject eSports as a sport is because of the same reason why they once rejected the sports industry, which is the lack of knowledge and faith. Because this field is new and people fear what they cannot understand, they don’t believe eSport will become something mainstream in our society. However, this isn’t true. Football, arguably the biggest sport in the U.S., had a lower viewership rating for its Super Bowl than compared to the League of Legends Mid-Season Invitational. For the 2017 Super Bowl, a total of 111.3 million viewers tuned in, while for the League of Legends Mid-Season Invitational, a whopping 360 million viewers tuned in (Blake). The Super Bowl reached the end of its annual season. Meanwhile, the League of Legends Mid-Season Invitational was only halfway through its annual season, and yet it still had more viewers than the Super Bowl. This shows that eSports are becoming more mainstream. While people may argue that eSports are not a “real” sport because of the lack of “athleticism, and movement”, golf, shooting, and poker are still considered sports despite the lack intensive movements. These sports are precision, and skill based which is exactly what eSports requires.
Over the years, the meaning of sports has changed; it no longer has the label of being “physically intensive” anymore. We as humans should evolve with technology since it’s expanding to every part of the world and accept that reality is no longer the only dimension we are limited in anymore, and virtual reality will eventually make its way to our everyday life. Legitimizing eSport is only the beginning of this revolutionary change to our country. On top of this, if legitimizing eSports is beneficial to our society economically, I see no reason why we should reject this idea. As a matter of fact, several NBA teams such as the Cleveland Cavaliers are already on board to support this great opportunity (Beck). If famous teams from the sports industry itself supporting eSports not convincing enough for eSports to be counted as a sport, then I really don’t know what is a better example.
I got a 5 out of 6. I think it is good that I'm able to understand things like this because depending on the situation I wouldn't want false information.
1. North Korea